MARCH 2004
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Following up with the notorious Demented Are Go!
Another interview with Criss Damage
By Ryan Davis (TX PSY CO)

Choppy scary!

TXPSY: So on DAG's most recent European tour... what were the start and finish dates?  And this tour was longest time on the road the band has ever made it through correct?
Criss: We were supposed to start in Birmingham, UK on Oct 21st but they cancelled the show due to poor advance ticket sales... where I come from you only buy tickets for really BIG shows... most people pay on the night!! So it actually started on our home patch in London on the 22nd...We did 8 shows in the UK with German punkabillies 'The Heartbreak Engines' & superb HorrorPunksters 'KARLOFF' from Aberdeen.  To be honest it wasn't really anything to write home about, apart from a couple of incidents that I'll talk about later.  We left 'KARLOFF' in Aberdeen and headed to Belgium , where we met up with the utterly brilliant 'Phenomenauts', who had just about blown every fuse in the venue with their equipment!!   And then we carried on our little jaunt ‘til Liepzig on Nov 22nd... Yes... Its was our longest tour!...A long long time..... Pass the valium please!
TXPSY: You've got Strangy and Doyle (Klingonz, Demented Scumcats, Celtic Bones) on stand up and guitar these days for DAG.  Please give us the full story of how Strangy broke his leg on tour? 
Criss: Two words.. .Aftershow Party..(is Aftershow one word?).  We were in Frieburg, South Germany and were partying pretty hard with the others...Free Jack D was flowing down Strangy's neck and when we got back to the bus he stood at the top of some stairs at the back of the venue and told everyone to be careful..."There's no light on these stair...." were probably the last words we heard...followed by a thud of course!!  I actually carried him back to the bus!  No easy feat when I think back to it...There's one thing I'd like to add...I must mention Choppy here...We flew him out to replace Strangy at a day's notice...He had not played bass for ages and was 9 months out of rehab and still straight...Choppy or Chopperrrr (as we call him but he does prefer Paul!!) was just fantastic...All I can really say is, if it wasn't for Choppy we could not have finished the tour in the style we did…Thanx mate, for coming out at such short notice and putting up with us…good luck with the Caravans.  Angel from the 'Phenomenauts' was convinced that (in his own words...) Sparky & I had made love that night and given birth to Choppy!   Such was his presence... Ha! Ha!

Strangy's X-Ray

TXPSY: That's pretty hardcore overall.  Very fortunate that Choppy could come out at a moment's notice.  I hope Strangy is healing up alright?
Criss: Yeah Strangy is back on his feet now...but it will be a while before he's tap dancing again! or was it the highland fling! Choppy always has been a very hardcore person.. But we were all pleased to see him clean and sober and enjoying his music…In his days of drugs & drink he could be intolerable but now he's just a real gent... A true friend... If you don't mind us saying  Paul!?
TXPSY: Those photos of Strangy in the hospital are hilarious...how long was he in there?
Criss: 2 weeks or so I think...Although he'll tell you exactly how many days I'm sure!!  He was counting the hours I should imagine...But he was very lucky that the hospitals in Germany are very good and he was well looked after and had lots of visitors... Thanx to all who showed up to wish him well...
TXPSY: Regarding the x-ray photo of Strangy's leg, I'm not a doctor...what specifically are we looking at or for there?
Criss: He broke his femur bone as it goes into his knee!!  Very nasty. The femur is the body's largest bone too...
TXPSY: Ah the femur...that would be a difficult bone to break I'm told.  Did they have to put metal rods and shit into his leg?
Criss: Yes indeed...about 7 screws and a metal plate! He's got half a meccano set in him!!
TXPSY: I also heard that you kidnapped some teenagers on tour.  Please give us the overview on that one...

Sparky Points

Criss: Ha! Ha!... I'll try to cut a long story short and those involved know who you are so I don't have to mention names... apart from Doyley, who flipped chips and mayo into one of the kids faces... (Ha! Ha! the mayo moustache was hilarious).  We were just getting on the bus to leave Sheffield when we caught 3 lads kicking the light off the back of our bus... stupid thing to do when there's 18 guys on board...Anyway our tour manager marched them onto the bus and we drove off with them in tow... I gave the kids a beer each (I don't even think they were old enough to drink!) and told them to drink up...because we were taking them to our next gig... 450 miles away in Aberdeen.. North Scotland! This provoked a discussion amongst us hostage takers... some wanted rape, some money and some were in favour of both!!  Another idea was to strip them naked and kick them out of the bus... I don't know which plan scared them most but they did not move!!  We decided to sing songs for them, or rather at them, gradually building the tension until I really thought one of them was gonna freak!  So I went and told the bus driver (who was oblivious to all this) to pull over and let them out... We'd gone about 7 miles or so out of town... The kids went back to the venue to complain!!  I'd have counted my blessings!!
TXPSY: The mayo moustache does sound delightfully funny.  I can only imagine the teenage terror of being held hostage on a bus with you weird looking fuckers... telling the kids they are about to be raped in a field somewhere.  Could you not be arrested even at this point as it is kidnapping?  I'm pretty certain that you are not concerned in the least.
Criss: Yeah I suppose we could get nicked for that... seriously nicked... if those guys had a brain cell between them they could have found out who we were by looking at the gig posters at the venue... They had the whole tour schedule on them... They could have had us for breakfast... Ha! Ha!  I know for sure that those lads have a story to tell their grandchildren anyway!!  But yeah can you imagine it... DAG arrested for raping teenage boys!!  I wasn't in favour of the rape idea...can you imagine seeing Doyley's arse going in & out... Ugh!!
TXPSY: That is one of the vilest and most disgusting things I've ever had to imagine.  Is that Doyley's idea of fun? Revenge? How he prefers to have sex or all of the above?  Ha Ha... another day in the life of Demented!  
Criss: Let's just say none of us are strangers to nudity!!
TXPSY: I've been to the Hofbrau House in Munich .  I got wasted on the 40oz mugs of dark beer.  What Munich Beer House did you guys go to and what

Koefte & Criss

lunacy ensued?
Criss: We went to the very same place... Well they hated us... we drank about 4 - 5 steins each and I was thrown out because we were standing on the tables and banging glasses!!  Half of the pub was standing on the fucking tables, banging glasses!!  Anyway the beer there has strange properties... once you're drunk you want to go to strip clubs!!!
TXPSY: Yeah I don't know what places like that expect when they serve strong German beer in oversized steins.  And when I was there... they had a German Polka band that was creating all kinds of noise and merry-making.  They were blowing on Tubas and crunching Accordions along with the sing-a-long lyrics that sounds like "Yahaha Yahaha Blahaha Blahaha" to anyone who doesn't speak German.  That would drive any drunk tourist to act out don't you think?
Criss: Well yeah…The pub was half full of Japanese tourists drinking half pints and politely clapping the band!! I suppose we must have upset them... I wouldn't go there again... even the guys in the polka band kept staring at us!!! I did fancy the pretzel girl though!! She had those cute Bavarian plaits.....
TXPSY: Were there any Diarrhea problems on tour?
Criss: Doyle & I were Kings of Bum Gravy... Doyle had the shits for most of the tour... I was hospitalized in Hamburg with gastritis and put on a drip for a day!
TXPSY: Yikes!  Is that due to a combination of too much booze, crazy food and a hectic touring schedule?  What's a "drip"?
Criss: It was down to being on a crowded tour bus for too long!! A drip is where they put drugs and fluid into you body intravenously (with a needle and tube!!). It was only a glucose solution I had for dehydration but Strangy was on a morphine drip... Lucky bastard!

Doyle & Strang

TXPSY: Did you get any of your shit stolen on tour?
Criss: Are we still talking diarrhea here?  Because we were giving that away!! Seriously though...Yeah we had the backstage robbed in Aberdeen by weedjie, junkie scumfucks…they stole money from me and Strangy and Doyle's phone... Die of aids you scum....
TXPSY: Did the band make all of their scheduled shows? Course not! Next question....
TXPSY: The response to the new Demented Scumcats EP has been overwhelmingly positive although I haven't heard the songs yet.  Is this because people are starving for more DAG material or is the EP really that different from classic DAG?
Criss: I think it's a bit of both.  Although the stuff is different.  It has Sparky's voice & lyrics  .which will always be Demented...The songs are really great though...Stan is really one of the most creative forces in the scene...A treasure....look out for the full length LP later this year...
TXPSY: Please explain what you mean about Stan...where does his creativity come into play during writing or recording?
Criss: It was Stan's studio & Stan's tunes…He recorded it. Mixed it, re-mixed and mastered it... He knows how to get the best out of Sparky! He was the inspiration for Hellucifernation (I sound like Don King!!), DAG's last studio recording and rightly deserves the title...Stan the Man. He's also involved with DAG again…although this news is too hot for this interview…we will be announcing a few line-up changes soon…but not here Ryan… sorry… no exclusive for TXPSY!
TXPSY: Give me an exclusive or give me nothing! How's the material coming along for the new DAG album...when can we expect it to be released on People Like You?
Criss: Ahh...good question...all I can say is that we should be touring in April to promote it!!  The album will feature several special guests too!
TXPSY: And hopefully a USA tour if the powers at be are favorable to DAG?
Criss: Sort out your terrorist laws mate!! You are scaring us!! We hope to be over in June.
TXPSY: Well we can't wait to see you guys in Texas !  Any last thoughts or comments?
Criss: We'll be back in Texas I hope...Keep updated with DAG on our website.